J,

Couldn’t sleep again last night. It’s been like that lately, though I don’t know why really. Haven’t been bothered by it for a while, so it’s back to the ceiling watch and the numbers and the remembrance of faces that I’ve lost. Why do I do that do you suppose? Just like I think of you.

I’ve been (slowly) going through my old journals. It’s odd in a somewhat good way. It’s the most complete reflection I can manage. Better than just thinking about the past: It’s a total log of the past few years. It’s nice for the most part but as soon as I figure out which day it was, I remember it totally right from how I was feeling and how cool stuff was. Remember the summer after my first year of university? The first times we checked out the waterslides and such? That was so fucking fun, man. Great memories.

But then I look at what I’m doing now. Nothing. My life’s pretty boring. I don’t really do anything. My friends here are all living in other cities on work terms and all I do is school and gaming. Sure gaming’s fun but it isn’t the same fun as doing stuff with people. I miss it.

Is this growing up? Is this what I have to look forward to? The majority of the fun I get is derived from doing stuff on my own now? Most of my time is spent doing school stuff or doing nothing in particular. It’s alright, of course. There’s nothing WRONG with it - it’s just… I dunno. Not as cool and fun as it used to be.

It seems somewhere things got tired. Old. Maybe I’ve been doing this school thing too long. Maybe what’s missing is the new feeling in life. The feeling you get when you’re trying something for the first time. I’m too comfortable in university now. I can’t know for certain how it will be for you since things are different for everyone, but to some degree I’m excited for you starting in September. It’ll hopefully be a new and fun experience (minus the actual work and studying). But then, you are staying in approximately the same location with the same main people so I guess it won’t be quite the same as it was for me coming out here.

I guess I’m not really going anywhere with this. Just rambling, as is my usual for these late-night emails I fire off at you occasionally. I guess I just feel unmotivated. Oh, I’ll keep at the school thing, I’m just not into it anymore. I’m not really into life, it seems. Don’t misinterpret that - that’s not me saying anything against living. Just that life isn’t… interesting. Not in the ways it has been interesting before.

Perhaps I’m too comfortable. I have a girlfriend, friends, this school thing and a place to live and hang out. I’m comfortable with my lifestyle. It’s not new or exciting anymore it’s just… normal. I’m not sure what I want it to be. As I said, maybe I need to try something new. Finish this school stuff and move on to… something else.

I just have no idea what that is yet, though.

There’s just no way to know where to go from here. It seems I’ve been thinking about it these past years but the longer I sit here and wait, the more I realize it’s never going to come. It’s up to me to go find it. You know Kate’ll have a kid soon. I think about that and wonder if maybe she had it figured out a long time ago.

Take care.

this is growing up